I really need to work on becoming a better muslim, yet i am a hijabi. What is a hijabi you might ask? Someone who wears the hijab [head-covering] and the skirt or an abaya all the time. Thus i am considered to be therefore religious.
HA! Buddy i am far from religious. In fact i've seen non-hijabi's do better things than i have.
I hate this fact alot because people say to me "Ohhh Laydee your soo good mashallah." I always say start to arguing because i dont like to be called something i'm not. "I am not religious" I say instanly. But do they listen? That's a NO-NO.
I dont care about what people think anyway. I just wonder what Allah thinks of me.
Judging by all the sins i have done this past week, i would say he he doesnt like me at all.
And honestly this thought scares me alot.
Tears come to my eyes, whenever i start to think of all the things i owe to Allah and how little i have repayed him in my 17 years of living. I come from a very religious family so most people would think fufilling my religion is easy.
They are very very wrong.
Islam is hard because your faith level is always changing. In arabic faith is called Imaan in case you didnt know.
Your imaan decreases the more sins you do and increases the more good deeds you do. If you do alot of good deeds; being a good muslim is like shooting the breeze.
I havent done that many good deeds lately, so i guess that's why i'm having a hard time praying my salat lately.
I wanna cry everytime i look back on how many salat's i had prayed.
I honestly beleive in Allah in my heart and mind but i need more than just that. What i need is to show this belief through my actions.
But here i am talking this way and the next thing i know i'm listening to Drake "Find Your Love."
I make myself sick sometimes.
The next time someone calls me a hijabi or tells me that i'm so good i swear i'm gonna lash out.
Yes i wear the hijab but the scarf doesnt just covers my hair.
It covers the sins and the good deeds that i hide in my heart from the people who see me.
Only Allah knows all.
Does anyone have any suggestions to make my imaan stronger? I would love to hear what you people do to keep your imaan so high.
Thanks!
Complcated_LaydeeXOXO
